Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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