omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
