I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
