The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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