The maid of honor just puked.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
