I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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