How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
