She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
