i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
