Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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