Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
