my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
