Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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