there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
