I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
