Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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