then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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