I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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