someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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