Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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