why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
