even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
