I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
