So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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