..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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