I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
