oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
That's intense
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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