yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
