Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
