Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize