remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
