The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
