Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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