My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
