I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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