Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
