Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
