just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
