You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
