Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
