This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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