My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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