Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
