I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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