uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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