my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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