Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
