dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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