turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
