I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize