Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
as a side note pls kill me
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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