I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
