Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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