Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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