I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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