its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
