Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
