I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
