im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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