its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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