My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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