my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
